The Kid’s Corral incorporates the research-based discipline approaches from the Love and Logic programs. Below is an excellent article from one of their founders Dr. Charles Faye and contributor Jedd Hafer…..
Is “Consequence” a Dirty Word?
I (Charles) learned an important lesson about
fast food, focus, and the finality of many decisions we make. Rushing to my
car, I placed the takeout package on the roof, unlocked the car, and pulled
into traffic. Perceiving the honking of other drivers as pure road rage, I
proceeded upon my way. It was amazing how long that meal clung to the top of my
car before it flew under the tires of the F-150 behind me.
Our lives are full of decisions… and their
consequences. They aren’t punishments. Nobody took my lunch, attempting to make
me pay for my lack of focus. It was just a simple result of my lapse.
A few years ago, a tragic event occurred near
our homes in Colorado. Some teens thought it would be fun to race around our
mountain roads, taking turns “surfing” on the roof of their car. Is it possible
these kids didn’t learn enough about the finality of consequences when they
were younger?
Some who see themselves as more enlightened in
the arenas of caring and compassion experience semi-aneurisms when they hear
someone say, “allow kids to experience the consequences of their actions.”
These are often people who care very much about kids who have experienced
trauma and equate consequences with punishment. They also believe kids with
trauma are capable… but not capable enough to learn from their actions. We’re
confused. Do we want kids who’ve been hurt to remain victims, or do we want to
empower them toward victory and self-esteem?
We agree that punishment, sarcasm, guilt,
anger, and other negative practices do not work.
We disagree that consequences (or “results”)
aren’t appropriate for kids who’ve had trauma. Their effectiveness just depends
on how closely attached they feel toward the adult.
Positive relationships form the foundation of
all effective discipline. The safety and security this provides allows all
children to begin seeing the connections between their choices, actions, and
resulting consequences. Kids who’ve experienced trauma need to experience the
results of their actions… even when it doesn’t appear they are making the
connection. As they experience the calmness and trust of loving attachment
relationships, this cause-and-effect learning will begin to happen.
When delivered with love and
empathy, logical consequences help provide
accountability. In many cases, an element of restitution can give a child the
chance to feel like he or she “made it right.” Loving accountability
can help kids feel the following:
I’m loved.
I’m competent.
I can solve problems.
All kids thrive when they embrace these
beliefs.
So, we’ll charge ahead, continuing to upset
those who view themselves as superior to most folks in the areas of compassion
and intellect. We’ll keep holding kids accountable with plenty of empathy and
grace, and we will treat them as if they are capable of learning from life’s
results. We’ll just keep helping more families raise kids who feel good about
themselves and their ability to thrive in this challenging world.
Faye, Dr. Charles &Hafer, Jedd (201, April 3)Is “Consequence” a Dirty Word?(Blog Post). Retrieved from: https://www.loveandlogic.com